Our parts-pro Chris Hoff is not just a pro at finding you the right part every time, he’s
also a professional dad and dad joke teller.
About a year ago Chris started spreading his collection of dad jokes in our employee chat tool and we’ve been in stitches ever since.
When it comes to dad jokes he’s practically the tree of life. He’s just acorny guy like that.
So in honor of Father’s Day it’s time to give the gift of Chris’ dad jokes to the nation. Because Father Day (or any day) is a great day for a dad joke, and Chris’ dad-ication to his craft must be shared!
Enough introduction. Bring on the JOKES!
I tried to come up with a joke about measuring distance. This is as close as I could get.
Q: Where did Noah keep his bees? A: In the ark hives.
People say I’m a pessimist, but I was born this way. My blood type is B-Negative.
“Dad, I think we should get satellite radio.” “You can’t be Sirius.”
Q: What did the priest do at the carnival? A: He got faithpaint.
In high school, I had a teacher who loved to give quizzes all the time. I think she was just testy.
A giraffe and an ostrich had a 100-meter race. It was neck and neck right to the end.
Q: Why didn’t the actor who played the Tin Man want to make a Wizard Of Oz sequel? A: He was feeling rusty.
I installed a bar on my roof the other day. Drinks are now on the house.
Q: What do you call an airplane with no decorations or branding? A: An airplain.
I work as a tester for a blanket company. I’m an under-cover agent.
Q: Why did alternate universe spider man do so well on his driving test? A: He was an excellent parallel Parker.
I used to have a conspiracy theory about two single beds, but it was debunked.
I hate my job as a taxi driver. People are always talking behind my back.
I finally decided to start an herb garden. It was about thyme.
The older I get, the more I’ve been thinking about the people I’ve lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was the wrong choice.
Q: What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? A: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Q: What’s Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? A: Barackoli
I saw my ex-girlfriend on the other side of the gallery at the Museum of Natural History, but I decided not to say hi. There was too much history between us.
I just found a nickel on the ground, and I have a feeling I will find a penny later. It’s my sixth sense.
“Dad, I’m going to take a shower.” “Ok, but make sure to bring it back.”
The forecast said a huge rainstorm was finally going to hit the other day, but it passed us by. It was a mist opportunity.
Q: What do you call a dissatisfied insect? A: A grumblebee
People who rob banks or jewelry stores are pretty bad, but people who rob bakeries take the cake.
I want to learn how to sew, but it’s not as easy as it seams.
Q: What happened when Napoleon set off a bomb? A: Napoleon Blownapart
My daughter thinks I don’t give her enough privacy. At least, that’s what it said in her diary.
The electric company called me today to tell me my payment was outstanding. What a nice compliment.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit puns, you need to let that mango.
“Dad, can we go to an Imagine Dragons concert? Tickets are $150.” “Wow, imagining dragons has gotten a lot more expensive since I was a kid.”
My son wants to get a porcupine that’s lost all its quills as a pet. I think it’s pointless
I tried to eat a waffle on a beach in Southern California. It was a sandy Eggo.
I had a great conversation with a dolphin the other day. We just clicked.
Q: Why did the river have trouble remembering things? A: It was becoming seanile.
Once, my wife asked for Chapstick, and I accidentally bought her a glue stick instead. She hasn’t talked to me since.
Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? A: Only if you aim it well enough.
I can’t wait to give my childhood toys to my kids. It’s a great way to pass on my lego-cy.
I went to an eyeglass convention last week. It was a real spectacle.
Q: What do you call a loaf of sourdough at the zoo? A: Bread in captivity.
“Dad, I was tackled at football practice today and got the wind knocked out of me.” “Sounds breathtaking.”
After his wedding, my brother called me the worst best man he’d ever seen. I was speechless.
Has anyone checked on Oklahoma recently? I want to make sure it’s all OK.
Q: What beverage did the Beatles request backstage at every concert? A: Lennonade.
My son likes elevators; my daughter likes escalators. They are raised differently.
Q: What time of day do parents change the most diapers? A: In the wee hours.
Last night I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money.
I spent $500 on a limo for my daughter’s prom night, and it didn’t even come with a limo driver. All that money spent and nothing to chauffer it.
“Son, I have something to tell you, but it hurts me to say it.” “Oh my gosh! What is it, Dad?” “I have a sore throat.”
Vikings aren’t the best companions to get drinks with. They’re mead-iocre.
When the guitar player moved into a new house, he had all the locks replaced. It was a key change.
I got an email saying that Google Maps can read maps backwards. It’s obviously spam.
If there’s one thing in the world that always gives me butterflies, it’s caterpillars.
Q: What did the cactus wear to his job interview? A: A cactie
My wife told me I would never advance in my career because I procrastinate so much. “Just you wait, ” I said.
“So, I heard that the local bakery burned down yesterday.” “Yep, the business is toast.”
I don’t do my own taxes. I’m just not Intuit.
Today I saw a line of rabbits hopping backwards. It was a receding hare line.
Q: What do you call fake potatoes? A: Imi-taters.
Q: What candle is the most dangerous in the world? A: John Wick.
Q: What did the dad say as he walked out of the lollipop store? A: So long, suckers!
A store down the street is selling perfume that smells like nothing. If you ask me, it’s total non-scents.
I don’t like playing Yahtzee. It’s a dicey game.
Word on the street is that someone dropped their Scrabble game all over the freeway.
My wife told me that she was getting really angry at me for singing “I’m a Believer” on repeat. I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face…
“Dad, can I eat the cake in the fridge?” “Sure, but the dining room would probably be more comfortable.”
My friend fainted on a carousel, but he’ll be okay. He’s coming back around.
Q: Who do you call to take care of a mosquito infestation? A: The swat team
Tell me a joke about a flat tire. No pressure.
Q: What do parents feed an infant if they want them to grow up to be a race car driver? A: Formula One.
Someone stole my diary and then passed away. My thoughts are with his family.
“My kids wanted to spend a whole day of our vacation shopping, which I don’t understand at all. If you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen the mall!”
“Hey, Dad, someone at school said you sound like an owl.” “Who?”
Q: What do you call fifty-two pieces of bread? A: A deck of carbs
I once asked a Frenchman if he liked to play video games. He said “Wii.”
I have a pen that can write underwater. It can write other words too!
Q: Why was the ice cream cone bad at tennis? A: It had a soft serve.
I never realized my dad was stealing board games from the toy store. Looking back, though, all the Clues add up.
Once I paid $20 to see Prince in concert. But I partied like it was $19.99
Q: Why did the hammer go to the doctor? A: He hit his head.
Q: What’s the best time of year to play on a trampoline? A: Springtime.
Statistically, only one in seven dwarves are happy.
Let me tell you what I know about leprechauns: very little
Q: Why did the sailboat start smoking? A: Pier pressure
“I’d like to buy a bed, please.” “Certainly!! Would you like a spring mattress?” “Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.”
Q: Why didn’t the hamburger buns ever get along? A: They always had a beef between them.
I learned the hard way that it’s a very bad idea to tell all your secrets to a clock. Time will tell.
My wife didn’t think I’d name our daughter something ridiculous, but I call her Bluff.
My interviewer asked me if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but told him that I could perform “Bohemian Rhapsody” instead.
Dad, do you think we should have a champagne toast at my wedding?” “No, I greatly prefer butter on my toast.”
I uploaded my one thousandth photo to Instagram today. Then they upgraded me to Insta-kilogram.
Q: How do you get an astronaut’s baby to sleep? A: You rocket.
I love making puns. It’s so rewording.
When I worked at Pixar, I had a falling out with my boss. Then we made Up.
Q: How did the drummer sell her sofa? A: Per cushion
The Queen of England was so upset with her poker hand that she threw the cards in the toilet. It was a royal flush.
Q: How did the owl manage his bad breath? A: owl-toids
“Dad, how are we going to sneak candy into the movie theater?” “Don’t worry, I have a few Twix up my sleeve.”
There’s a big unsolved robbery case going on at the local IKEA. The police are having trouble putting the pieces together.
I’m feeling pretty proud of myself today. I finished a puzzle in just a couple of hours, and the box said 2-4 years.
Q: Where do saplings go to learn? A: Elementree school.
My favorite superhero is Typo Man. He writes all the wrongs.
“Dad, my teacher was telling us about cloning today, but I don’t think I understand it.” “That makes two of us.”
Q: What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? A: Shakespear.
I think I’m allergic to the gym. Every time I go there, I have trouble breathing and start sweating a lot.
I ordered a deck of cards online, but it’s been two weeks and they haven’t gotten here yet. I contacted the seller and they assured me they were dealing with it.
Q: How much does an influencer weigh? A: An Instagram
My boss told us that a customer complained about an employee with bad posture. I have a hunch it was me.
If Apple owned a dance stadium, would it be called the MacArena?
Q: What do you call a retired miner? A: Doug.
Q: What did the dentist name his boat? A: The Tooth Ferry.
“Dad, Mom was complaining that you don’t buy her flowers often enough.” “In my defense, I didn’t even know your mom sold flowers!”
I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
Q: Why couldn’t the computer take it’s hat off? A: Caps Lock was on.
I am not a narcissist! I’m way better than that.
Some people have a lot of trouble sleeping. Me? I can do it with my eyes closed.
I won a contest at the state fair for growing the biggest pickle. It was kind of a big dill.
Q: What’s the best way to make a tree laugh? A: Tell acorny joke.
I took a course to learn how to DJ, but it barely scratched the surface.
Q: What brand of baby food do pirates prefer for their babies? A: Gerrrberrrr.
Q: How did Reese eat her ice cream? A: Witherspoon
Just to make sure everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
Q: What is a tree’s favorite dating app? A: Timber
I’ve got this disease where I can’t stop making airport puns. The doctor says it’s terminal.
Where is a step-by-step guide for how to climb the stairs?
Q: What’s the least-spoken language in the world? A: Sign
They told me we were going sledding, but we went skiing instead. I felt misled.
Q: What do you call a mouse that swears? A: a cursor.
Q: Why are archaeologists so annoyed? A: They always have a bone to pick.
“Dad, what’s your favorite word?” “Drool. It rolls right off the tongue.”
Q:Which kind of vegetable never bowls a strike? A: Asparagus.
Most puns make me feel numb, but math puns make me feel number
I have a playlist of songs from Eminem, the Cranberries, and the Peanuts……I named it Trail Mix
My dad has a DeLorean………he only drives it from time to time
Hey are you feeling sensuous? Well sensuous here why don’t you shop for your next car, truck or SUV!
